I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
