So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize