I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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