"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize