Yo dont text me then not text me
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
