Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
