Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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