At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
