my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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