Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
