apparently the secret to your success is patron
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize