I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
