I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
