I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
