I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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