Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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