Kiss
Puke
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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