The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
