jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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