either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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