I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
