I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
