i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
there is glitter all over my balls
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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