He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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