Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize