Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
