Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
