just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
