U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
