the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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