Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
