I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
