I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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