I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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