1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think I am morally bankrupt
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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