can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
