I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
