Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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