He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
