He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
