Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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