At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
