i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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