I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
