Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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