I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
