What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
