soooo we both peed the bed last night...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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