Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
