I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
