I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
