I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
