I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
