Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
