My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize