she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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