I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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