I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im holly from the hills drunk
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
