you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
